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So you want to be a peak bagger? You want to go on an epic adventure and spend all of your free time reaching the peaks of an entire mountain range. But, you don’t know where to start. Don’t worry, just follow these five steps and you’ll soon be an Insta-famous peak bagger.
Step 1: Tell Absolutely Everyone Your Plan
This is the easy bit, deciding which collection of mountains you intend to conquer, whether it’s the 214 Wainwrights of the Lake District, the 282 Munros, the 446 Nuttalls or any of the other oddly named lists such as the Donalds, the Simms or the Corbetts.
Once you’ve chosen your mountains, it’s time to start telling people about your plan. And by people, I mean absolutely everyone. Immediately tell all of your friends and family, including those people on Facebook that you haven’t spoken to for at least ten years. 
Spend your entire working day telling all of your colleagues that you’re sick of this 9-5 grind and you’re going to do something epic in your free time. Talk to your boss and use up all of your annual leave for the year by booking Fridays and Mondays off so you can go on multi-day peak-bagging expeditions.
Be sure to mention this to your boss at least 8 times during the course of the conversation. Consider dropping in a cliche quote for good measure. “It’s not the mountains I’m trying to conquer, but myself” will hold you in good stead for future promotions.
It’s vitally important that all of the staff at your local outdoors shop know your plans, so when buying new kit be sure to mention it whenever buying anything. For example, “I need a new pair of boots” becomes “I need a new pair of boots so that I can climb all 282 Munros in the next 6 months”.
Step 2: Optimise Your Instagram Account
Admitting to yourself that you’re only going peak-bagging to get a load of photos and new Instagram followers is an important step. After all, why else would you do it? Once you’ve accepted that, it’s time to embrace it and get your Instagram account ready for endless photos of trig points and wild camps.
Remember that it’s important to change your name to something that reflects your new passion. Think ‘Peak-Bagger Paul’ or ‘Munros Martin’. Once you’ve chosen your name it’s time to update your bio. This is the perfect place to update everyone on your progress so make sure you use the mountain emoji followed by Wainwrights 0/214.
Step 3: Buy a Really Photogenic Waterproof Jacket
For the next six months, you are going to be asking friends, family and random passers-by to take photos of you in your best hiking pose, on summits, or by your tent. Make sure that you’ve got a really brightly coloured jacket on so that you stand out against the mountainous background and look absolutely epic on your ‘grams.
Ideally, this jacket needs to be waterproof, breathable and durable too, but the colour is the most important thing.
Make sure you hashtag every brand you are wearing in the vague hope that they will see how awesome you are and want you to be an ambassador and send you free stuff.
Step 4: Celebrate Every Milestone with an Insta-Meet
Actually bagging the peaks is pretty hard work and is nowhere near as much fun as watching the likes roll in after a cracking Instagram photo of a cloud inversion. You’ll probably realise that it rains a lot and it can be quite tedious walking in the rain on your own all the time. Don’t worry, that’s what Insta-meets are for.
If it’s a milestone hike then it’s customary to invite all of your fellow peak-bagger friends to join you. The rules around milestones are quite vague so feel free to arrange an insta-meet for your 10th, 50th and 100th summit, and also your birthday and even your cats birthday. Don’t worry, plenty of people will turn up because those group summit shots are just #epic.
Your final summit should be a grand occasion. Invite at least 50 people to join you and all wild camp the night before. Make sure that you find a wild camp spot with good 4G though, you’ll all be posting Instagram Stories all night.
Step 5: Realise You Don’t Have Any Normal Friends Anymore So Plan Another Adventure
You did it. You conquered an entire mountain range, challenged yourself in ways you never thought you would and met a whole load of like-minded people along the way. But now you’re bored and you’re no longer getting invited down the pub with your old mates.
You’ve spent the last 6 months talking about mountains incessantly, and now all of your ‘old’ friends have given up on you. With your epic adventure behind you, you realise that you have no new photos to post to your 8000 new followers and absolutely nothing to do on the weekends. Don’t worry, just go back to step one and pick a different mountain range.
